Listen to what your heart tells you at 1am when you’re lying alone in the darkness
Listen to the darkness
I don’t know what you will hear
You may hear
your heart breaking quietly- hearing each crack like someone carefully walking across a frozen pond only to have it begin to snap and pop beneath them
You may hear
For the first time in your day
Lying there entangled in your comforter and bed sheets only hearing the hum of outside noises on the other side of our bedroom window
You may hear
The one you let go clawing their way back into your brain like that itch you can’t scratch
You may hear
What you don’t want to hear
The lies you tell yourself
Or replaying lies from someone else
Or perhaps it’s not lies that rub you the wrong way but
Either way, darling, there’s something the darkness is trying to tell you.
November 6, 2013 1:10AM
I’ve gone through some things in my life— some of them I’ve put myself through. And I am still working my way out of these things. I am closer to the end of the tunnel than I was months ago, but I still struggle with over coming insecurities and needs to fill voids with things other than God. I’ve found the need to be more independent and self assuring than I have been in the past. Because of this, it has lead me to terminating relationships or just simply removing myself from the temptation of not truly being present— locked away in my own world.
This is fairly personal so I don’t wish to expound on it more than necessary, but some people just don’t seem to understand my need for doing this. Some people take it as an attack to them- an offensive gesture from me that I do not like them. However, to me, it has nothing to do with that. It has to do with my need to think about myself for once. My need for moving forward from past mistakes. My need to stop pleasing others and putting myself aside while somehow thinking it will make me feel better to do so.
Yesterday, I had to remind myself over and over that I don’t owe anyone anything. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I don’t owe anyone my story.
The only person I owe is myself. I owe myself a time to heal— to change.
I owe myself a chance.
Sept. 13, 2013 10:20AM
Now remember how bad that hurt and do not do it again
Don’t stand close to that flame, though it is warm
Because before you know it, you will be engulfed
It is not what you need to be warm
To be warm, you can lie in the sunshine
To be warm, you can hug a friend
You do not need the flame
The flame burns you
Your life is charred from touching it so often
And your heart is scarred from its heat
You do not need the flame to be warm
To be warm,
You need to be free.
August 14, 2013 2:00pm
The incapability that emotions ensue on humans is astounding to me
We run off of emotions
We are fueled by the need of happiness
And when we are caught up in feeling any negative feeling but those mentioned
We get scared
So many people can inflict pain upon you
Just as well, so many people can create happiness for you
However, the true challenge in life is to not allow others to have any affect on your emotions at all
Of course, people are allowed to make us happy
But one should not depend on another human for their source of happiness
The happiness is not true
It is not your own
It is not a good thing
The problem lies at the source of the unhappiness, usually
Why do I want to feel wanted and needed and accepted?
Why do I feel like I need someone to do it for me?
Some people will spend their whole lives trying to figure out the answers to all the “why’s”
But the people who just accept the fact that no one can make them happy but themselves,
Well..they go on to lead much happier lives
Maybe someone needed to end their friendship with you- not because you didn’t make them happy
But because you made them too happy
So happy, they weren’t able to produce happiness on their own
And maybe they couldn’t figure out why they needed to leave
But they just knew they had to
Just know that it’s not because they don’t care about you
But because they have to start caring for themselves
But to know that you care means more to them than a lot of things
They will hold that with them forever
You just need to let them go.
May 10, 2013 10:45am
I wake up in the morning remembering your face
I wake up in the morning running in place
The day starts as I finally get myself out of bed
I’m working on keeping you out of my head
And I think of you in those photographs
The things you said
That made me laugh
But I have to tell myself it will be okay
That if it is meant to be, then it will be
I’ve written so many poems in my head
And I can’t remember what they all said
I keep thinking of new words all the time
But I remember one specific line:
“I’ll put you on a shelf
And hope that you are happier than anyone else”
Because I want you to know that it meant a lot to me that you didn’t want me to go
And there are some other things I wish you knew:
I love you for talking to me until I fell asleep
I love you for not giving up on me during that horrible week
I love you for the way you made me feel
But something in me knows it isn’t real
Because you might as well be light years away
I might as well be the one to say:
It doesn’t make sense
But things rarely do
All I know is
I’m missing you too.
May 6, 2013 1:14pm
It’s amazing what can happen within a few months, or even a few days. Everything around you changes so quickly. There are constants in your life-things you know that will always be the same. Your eyes will always be blue and your smile will always be crooked and your mom will always be the woman who gave birth to you. But the most change we see in no time at all is the people in our lives. People come and go. And sometimes, we push people out. But that’s just how life works. Some people aren’t meant to be in your life forever, and I think accepting that is essential to living. Knowing that you, yourself, are not meant to be a part of everyone’s lives forever. That there will be new people who come in and make you happy. And there will be new people who come in and make you sad. And sometimes..you make the people who made you happy sad by messing up or pushing them away. But in time, everything falls in to place and that is a spectacular thing to see from an aerial view, I’m sure.
This person is heart broken, but they begin to grow, and they begin to heal, and they begin to add new things and new people in their life.. and the next thing you know, you see that person with the person they are meant to spend the rest of their life with. You can’t fight the ever present changes in life.
Just embrace them. And be happy knowing that this is what what meant to happen. Even if it hurts, it will eventually heal. And just know that sometimes, people hate to see you go, but it’s what is right.
And there isn’t any going back on what is right.
There just isn’t.
No matter how much you want there to be.
May 6, 2013 11:03 AM